It’s just after the holidays and most families find they are paying more toward their credit card bills. When money is tight, sooner or later, they squabble over it. Meshing different styles of handling money doesn't just happen because people love each other. It takes effective communication, time, and effort.
If your money discussions escalate to shouting matches or tearful sessions, start making changes now. Realize each of you will have different attitudes and values. To one, money may mean power. To another it may mean security or status. One may be a spender, another a saver. The concern is not that you always agree about money, but how you disagree and that you come to suitable compromises.
Since the priority may be paying down the debt, it is important to save arguments for important issues. Decide amounts each person can spend without reporting to anyone. It might be $5, $10, $25 -- whatever fits your budget. These regular allowances provide a sense of spending freedom and eliminate discussions over personal items and incidentals, while keeping your spending within limits.
Talking about money "later" or promising to discuss it "some other time" is not likely to happen. Schedule regular meetings to discuss financial matters. This keeps both of you informed and can prevent minor concerns from becoming major problems. It’s important to monitor your debt payment plan over time to be sure that you’re accomplishing your goal and regularly scheduled financial discussions will help.
The particular time you decide to meet will depend on family schedules. Try to avoid meeting between 5:00 and 7:00 p.m. when people are usually tired and hungry. Meeting just before payday or when bills are due is often a good choice.
For your meeting, choose a place with minimum distractions. The television, radio, and phone can interfere with your communication process.
Include all family members when appropriate. Children can learn from this process. Allow everyone a chance to express feelings, wants, and needs without interruption or criticism. Family members are more likely to support a decision if they are included in the process.
Effective communication requires good listening. Listen for key points. Ask questions if you don't understand something. Be careful not to criticize, argue, or give feedback that hinders your spouse from expressing feelings. During a disagreement, really listen. If you find yourself planning your defense, not listening if a subject is hard to understand or your mind is wandering, then you’re not listening.
If a problem is worth arguing about, it is worth solving. Combine good communication skills with the following steps:
It’s important to keep communication open while working out the solution. Each person needs to feel understood, appreciated, and loved. Money problems don’t go away overnight and sometimes there are setbacks. The important thing is to keep communicating, keep moving toward solving the problem and keep your goals in mind.
—Maria Pippidis
Originally published in "Newark Outlook," The Newark Post
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