Communication is a two-way process.
- For
communication to happen there must be (1) a sender--who conveys
a message--and (2) a receiver--to whom the message is sent.
- In
successful communication the sender is clear and accurately
conveys the message she is trying to send. Also, the receiver
clearly understands the message.
- Miscommunication
occurs if the sender does not send a clear message and/or the
receiver does not understand the message sent by the sender.
Many
things can get in the way of good communication. For example:
1. When we assume we know what others are thinking, or that they
should know what we are thinking.
2. When we focus on what we want to say while others are talking--instead of listening to them.
3. When we bring up other problems and issues unrelated to the
topic at hand.
4. When we assume we know what is right for others and try to
convince them of this.
All of these things either keep us from sending a clear message
or keep us from receiving the message the other person is trying
to send.
Communicating
well takes practice and effort.
It is not something that comes naturally for most of us. Below
are some keys to good communication. These skills and techniques
may seem strange and awkward at first. But if you stick with them,
they will eventually become natural. As an added bonus, you will
improve all of your communication with others (inside and outside
your family).
Active
Listening
Active
listening is a way of listening to others that lets them know
you are working to understand the message they are sending.
1. Make sure your body language conveys to them that you are interested
and listening. You can make eye contact with them, turn your body
toward them, and nod as they are talking to let them know you
are listening.
2. Reduce any distractions that will keep you from focusing on
their message. Try to stop whatever you are doing that may distract
you from their message--such as watching television or trying
to read while the person is talking to you. You may need to tell
them, “I will be better able to listen to you once I am
done with ____. “ Trying to listen while doing other tasks
usually does not allow one to clearly hear the message.
3. Listen for the content and the feelings behind the words. Do
not just listen to the content of what is being said. Listen for
the feeling that the person is trying to convey to you. Are they
expressing joy, sadness, excitement, or anger--either through
their words or body language?
4. When the person has finished talking, paraphrase back to them
what you heard them saying.
“What
I am hearing from you is……”
“It sounds like ….. was very upsetting for you”
5.
Do not offer advice to the person. When we offer advice--especially
when it was not asked for--this often shuts down communication.
The person first needs to know that you have understood them and
that they have sent their message clearly to you.
You
will be surprised at how your conversations and relationships
change when you focus on listening to the other person--rather
than thinking of your next response.
Teaching Children to Communicate
Children
need to be taught how to communicate well, which means learning
both how to express themselves clearly and how to listen to others.
-
From the moment children begin to utter sounds, they are learning
how to communicate. They are learning how to get the attention
of others and how to get their message across. They are also
learning that communication is a two-way process.
- Children
learn about communication from how we respond to them and how
we communicate with them.
One
of the first steps in teaching our children how to communicate
well is for us to listen actively to them.
-
When we actively listen to children, we are letting them know
that they can send a message and that their message is important
to us. As noted before, it is important that we give them our
full attention--listening for the feelings as well as the
content of their message. We must restrain from offering advice
right away.
Second,
we need to actively teach children how to listen.
- First
the child needs to focus on the person who is talking--again
eliminating as many distractions as possible. This may mean turning
off the television, asking them to look at you, or having them
come in the same room with you while you talk with them.
- Just as we give them our attention, we need to teach youngsters to
give their attention to others.
- To
be sure they have understood your message, ask youngsters to
repeat back to you--in their own words--what they heard
from you. In this way, you are teaching them to paraphrase what
they have heard.
- Children
can also be asked what feeling they are picking up from you.
Are you happy, irritated, or sad? In this way they can begin
to connect feeling and content.
- If
the child does not repeat the message back clearly, this offers
a time for clarification and another opportunity to teach that
good communication takes effort--and that we sometimes don’t
get it right the first time.
Finally,
children learn the most by communicating with us and by watching
how adults communicate with each other.
- We
need to be sure to be good role models and to take the time
to listen and clearly send our own messages.
Family Communication
More
people = more complex communication.
-
With more people, there are more opportunities for communication--and greater chances for conflict to arise.
-
When two people are involved, there is the opportunity for
one relationship.
-
When three people are involved, there is the opportunity
for three relationships.
-
With four, there are six possible relationships.
- With
five, there are ten possible relationships, and so on.
- It
is important that families establish good lines of communication
so that all family members can feel heard and understood and
conflicts can be resolved.
Families
are faced with balancing the needs and wants of many different
people. Naturally conflicts are going to arise.
- It
is impossible for everyone’s needs to be met all the time.
Families must learn to compromise.
- Compromise
does not mean that there is a winner and a loser--but rather
that a “new solution” has been found.
- Generating
“win/win solutions” challenges us to be creative
in developing solutions to problems--rather than focusing
on our own needs or wants.
- To
come up with “win/win solutions,” family members
need good communication skills--so that everyone’s point
of view and suggestions are expressed clearly and heard by the
other family members.
Here
are some ways to come up with “win/win” solutions:
-
It is important that all persons experiencing the conflict be
included--even if this means calling a 10-minute “time
out” so people can calm down. (Set the kitchen timer,
and have people run around the block – or use some similar
positive way to help people cool down.)
- Use
neutral language. This means that family members may not name-call
or pass judgment on other’s ideas or needs.
- Each
person’s request needs to be considered. Each person’s
opinion needs to be heard.
-
Everyone needs to use their active listening skills (outlined
before)--paraphrasing the points of view of other family members.
- Once
everyone feels heard and understood, then the process can move
to generating new solutions to resolve the conflict.
- The
group should generate as many new solutions to the problem as
they can–- focusing on how to resolve the problem, not
just how to meet one’s own needs.
- Keep
a list of all the solution ideas that are generated.
-
Some of the solutions can be silly and outrageous. Humor helps
us relax our minds, which can help us do our best thinking.
-
When all the possible solutions have been generated, go through
each idea and discuss it. Would this solve the problem? Could
we actually do it? How hard or easy would it be to do this?
-
The group can vote on the best solution. If only 2 people are
involved, then they must agree on a solution before the issue
is considered resolved.
It
will take time and effort to develop these new communication skills.
A family that can communicate well:
-
Can handle stressors that arise
-
Can resolve daily conflicts, and
-
Will raise children who are able to communicate well for the
rest of their lives.
The
rewards far outweigh the effort it takes to learn and teach these
skills!
I
hope you find this information helpful in the month ahead!
Patricia
Tanner Nelson, Ed.D.
Extension Family & Human Development Specialist
This issue was initially prepared by Dr. Elizabeth
Park, a graduate of the Department of Individual and Family Studies,
University of Delaware.
Want more information? Visit the Extension Cord at http://ag.udel.edu/extension/fam/ – Extending the University to YOU!
Or
contact your county Extension office: New Castle: 461 Wyoming Road, Newark, DE 19716-1303, Tel. 302-831-8965; Kent: 69 Transportation
Circle, Dover, DE 19901, Tel. 302-730-4000; Sussex : Research
& Education Center, 16684 County Seat Hwy., Georgetown, DE
19947, Tel. 302-856-7303.
CODE:
:0403
